Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?