going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are