I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
