I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!