I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
