I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.
Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.
Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.
Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.
Friend: Including you?
Me: Actually, scratch that idea.
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included
deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused
sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway
Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.
I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.
I’ll be back in 5 min.