Trying to figure out if this girl from high school and her husband got divorced. I’m incredibly busy
If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me
A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey
We have reached my favorite portion of the Thanksgiving program. My mother just yelled, “There’s too many people in this GotDamn kitchen. Now get out and get ready to say the blessing.”
Police officer: please step out of your vehicle
me: after this song, hold on
dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house
You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?
My girlfriend and I met through a dating agency for dolphin impersonators. The minute we met we just clicked
I wish I lived in a swing state. I am really good at pumping my legs
I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves
I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
me: i can handle my alcohol
5 shots later: *in the shower on all 4s pretending i’m a bear catching fish
Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”
I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.