Today my 4 year old son said to me ‘Dad, can you put my shoes on?’
I replied, ‘No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.’
The most shocking part of Luigi’s manifesto is when he says he’s not the most qualified person to lay out the problems with the healthcare system. I’ve never heard a man describe himself as unqualified for anything.
Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.
Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice
It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON
Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her
Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.
the hypocrisy of humans judging a cat for hunting a bird like they’re not ordering chicken nuggets with zero remorse
I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.
A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away
i get that people are lonely but making the cashier in front of me your new bff is holding up the line
Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.
What’s the perfect gif to let everyone know an alien invasion is underway? A prompt response would be appreciated.
Husband at lunchtime: Shall I make..
Me: Yes.
I’ve lost countless hours of my life simply squishing peoples heads with my fingers as they walk by