Cargo pants? Uhhhh no buddy, car go beep beep. You feeling alright man?
At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched
Child: Turkey pancakes?!
Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.
Wife: I told you the bird was too big
Is there a Black Friday sale on Hot messes?
No one approached me–a reliable stranger–to take a picture of their family yesterday. Could’ve been the eye patch
The jeans are skinny. I’m not
McDonald’s should put a nativity scene in all their restaurants in December.
Call it the McCrib
I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
I’m not like most teenage girls. I’m a forty-one year old man
9 circles of hell in this economy?
I only sing in the car when it’s in reverse. I’m a backup singer
me: will you please pass the bee barf?
wife: please stop calling the honey that.