“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?