Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”