universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question