What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL