me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”