Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy