your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something