Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain