When I sing in the shower the water turns cold
I accidentally poured vodka on my orange juice this morning. Twice.
Welcome to Twitter, apparently everyone here is a fire expert.
After you read 5 tweets about fires, Twitter just gives you a certificate and a fire hose 😆
Just checked my bank account….
That shit said $ L,MA0,00.00
When Dr. Pimple Popper squeezed people’s pimples for fun, they thanked her and gave her a tv show… but when I do it, I’m “violating boundaries” and “committing simple assault”, and “not a dermatologist”.
I’m going to let this happen but in no scenario do I see it ending well.
-me sharing my fries
It’s strange that we say time is a great healer when it kills 100% of people.
4 y/o is requesting that I have five more children “so [she] can fight them” ???????
proverbs are so mean. like i don’t deserve any worm because i woke up at 11am? like no worm at all
Calling someone a “tough cookie” isn’t a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
First date
Him: tell me about yourself
Me in a singsong voice: ok but you’re not gonna like it
I hope to one day be as happy as my dad when he puts his car in reverse and says “ah, this takes me back”
Listening to music and explicit lyrics play.
In my 20s: *turns song up and sings along loudly with it*
In my 40s: *changes song* Do they have to cuss so much?
My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.