Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’
I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.
At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.
My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.
He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.
Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.
Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho
Blocked: 1985
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!