Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.