If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’