I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Delightful if true: booby trap.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*