My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it