Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”