If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.