My birthstone is a marshmallow
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”