Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Delightful if true: booby trap.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know