skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’