*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline