*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball