When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever