My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.