“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.