I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.
Doordasher handed me my food and said, enjoy the meal..
I said, you too..
You tell ppl you not tryna drink and they act like you just turned down 100k
Not wearing deodorant because I put lotion on my hands and couldn’t get the cap off
went to the frame shop. as I waited in dread to hear what it would cost, I closed my eyes and thought of a ridiculously high number and fixated on it so the real number, whatever it was, would come as a relief. but the real number was A HUNDRED DOLLARS HIGHER
how do i lose 30 pounds without cutting out baja blast, coffee creamer, and my ritual of eating 400 calories worth of candy at 11pm???
My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 2 hours.
Cheers🍷
people who sit in a long line and aren’t ready when it’s their turn, should be sent to the back of the line to think about what they’ve done.
I hope they don’t ban TikTok because it’s the only thing keeping my wife awake when we watch Netflix.
Remember, when a package says “sharing size”, that’s just a guideline. They have no enforcement mechanism
hate when people ask “why is it called silence of the lambs?” like did you hear any fucking lambs during the movie ??? use your head
Someone suggested I try online dating, but it’s like I’m already on twitter duh
According to my fitness app, I ate 5 miles of Chicken Parm
Welcome to twitter! Your emotional support raccoon will be with you shortly.