Yes I’m the dude at the liquor store with a grocery cart but in my defense I do have 10 relatives coming over for dinner tomorrow
I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still
So rude to come up with solutions to my excuses
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
i can’t work under these festive conditions
I’m having my mother-in-law for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. She asked what she could bring. I said, “Bring some pie and cranberries and stuffing and mashed potatoes with gravy and a golden brown turkey.”
“We ride at dawn”
Me headed to the grocery on Thanksgiving eve
Don’t forget to donate blood today to make room for more food
if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence
My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids
Me: You want me to wear a rubber?
Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.
Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them
Opened my notes app and instead of finding MY notes, which I’ve saved on each iPhone I’ve had since 2017, I found SOMEONE ELSE’S NOTES.
These mystery notes include three local numbers, a password, and a SSN… Among less savory things.
BUT WHERE IS MY FINNISH NISSU BREAD RECIPE