“Pease porridge hot”
Sure.“Pease porridge cold”
Less desirable, but I guess.“Pease porridge in the pot nine days old”
Ok, now this is just starting to sound like a health code violation
My friends can barely make rent, but everybody on home buying TV shows is like, “My husband is a professional thumb wrestler and I’m a rubber duck designer. Our budget is fourteen quadrillion dollars.”
This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all
me: did I notice an off brand dish detergent in your apartment?
girl who would never date me bc I’m always trying to sell stuff but she feels lonely during the holidays: yes
me: does it cut thru the grease and grime?
Coughing so much that next doors dog has started barking back at me. Best conversation all day
My joke about a partition wall really split the room
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a 10, but imaginary
Believing everything you read on the internet is the key
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas
Nonmaterial gift ideas:
An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house
*chomping on a cookie*
Girl Scouts can’t run very fast
[applying mascara]
Brain: open your mouth.
Them: what book would you take to a deserted island?
Me: idk, “the idiots guide to survival”
Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price