My doctor sucks. Didn’t even kiss it better.
There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”
him: you’re an perfect 10.
me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—
shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.
trying to live my life in a way so if i get shot people don’t talk about how sexy and correct my killer was
Me: Excuse me. I have a million presents to wrap and I need to buy some tape.
Store clerk: Scotch?
Me: Even better.
there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops
Luigi Mangione sounds like a made up Italian name, but then again, my name is Michael Primavera.
Me- thinks maybe I’ll take 8 to her first Pearl Jam show
8- thinks the audience is clapping too loud during The Nutcracker
i don’t think he’s the guy. the shooter used a silencer and an italian would never attempt to be quiet in public
When I’m driving past a middle lane hogger, I can’t help but take a good look at the driver, as part of my extensive research into what really annoying people look like
You can’t spell dyslexia without sexy.
the trade off from turning 50 is you cant see letters up close but you can spot idiots from miles away
I march to the beat of my own dumb
Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?
The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face