*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute