I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
