me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit