Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.