1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Delightful if true: booby trap.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.