Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know