i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys