Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,