“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count