Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
grotesque if literal: baby food
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods