I got bills
They’re multiplying
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.