Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’