If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.